Bittersweet~

Sitting on the train now I am flooded with emotions coming from all directions.  It’s not from lack of caffeine because I have now had two very large cups and could probably push this train to San Francisco with all of the pent up energy I now have in my system. 

This visit back to the little coastal city of Santa Cruz has been fast and freeing.  I am in love with that town.  I don’t think I will ever be able to move back, but I wouldn’t mind if an opportunity arose sometime in my life, maybe soon.  As I sat and watched my friends pack their lives up into various bags, boxes, crates and purses, I realized how much has changed over the past year of my life.  While my belongings are still scattered around various places in the states of California and Hawaii, I am not packing everything up like I was last year to head off somewhere random or to head home.   I did not have that fresh fear of what my next step was going to be…although the fear is no longer fresh in my mind, it is still always present.  I sat there and tried to help, however I found that I didn’t want to expedite the process – I didn’t want them to go.  I wanted all of us to stay, happy and healthy and together in that little home. 

An entertaining image of all of us crossed my mind- old and fat and gray.  We were bickering and building fires in the fireplace while someone made some sort of concoction of quinoa and black beans in the kitchen.  Random gear from the Rec would be strewn about the living room that was never returned, mismatched mugs and mason jars would litter the tables and window sills.  We’d still have too many instruments piled up in random corners of the living room.  Meg Ryan would still have a loose flipper and the wall of wonder would have extended all around the parlor.  There would be more cardigans and Velcro shoes, reading glasses and canes next to the door.  I would be baking more things with less sugar because we would need to be watching what we ate at this point and there would always be fresh cut flowers on the counter and special ones drying above the table.  There would still be a surplus of wetsuits out back and Sunday morning waffles on the porch.  We would be moving more slowly, but still moving.  Bikes would have changed into cruisers with little bells and baskets.  We would be in bed by 8 and up early as usual.  We’d bicker and hug and kiss and love one another through every new experience that graced our old souls. 

This is what would happen if we stayed.

We would all find reasons to stay a little bit longer, just a couple more days.  It is easy to do when you’re home.  It’s not easy to leave.  It’s exciting to go for an adventure knowing we can always come back.  While I am not sure what the future of Laguna is, I do know it will continue to be a haven for friends and for new family.  It isn’t ending, it is merely starting again.  It is going to be a magical place for people to share- to laugh, to love, to cry, to work, to feel safe and to make new bonds.  It’s too hard for something so powerful to ever really end.

Stevenson class made me proud.  The speeches given were amazing.  The faces, all grown and ready for no one knows what, but ready.  The fear in their eyes and the excitement in their steps as they walked across the stage made my heart sing.  I had seen these students on day one of their college careers- with that same fear in their eyes and excitement in their steps four years earlier.  As the speaker takes the podium and explains the financial state of the United States and our Golden State, I see heads drop.  This is something no one wants to hear.  Why can’t the world be at the feet of all these amazing graduates who have worked so hard to better their minds and lives?  It isn’t fair. We are all on this boat ready to sail and for many they are stuck at the dock.  They’re anxiously awaiting the voyage and have prepared, done everything right and worked so hard.  What now?  The speaker presses on saying it is not going to harm anyone to keep those dreams held close, to aspire to great heights and to do what makes you the happiest-always to do what makes you the happiest.  Although the world is not laid out in front of us the way we think it should be, it is still there for these fresh hands to grasp and mould.  There are chances to be taken and opportunities that will spring up that will change lives.  There are going to be tough times, that you really wish would hurry up and pass you by and times that you wish would never end.  No matter what direction life takes you, you will always have the support of those around you, whether they are right next to you or thousands of miles away.  Love and support knows no distance.

My congratulations go out to the Class of 2012.  Don’t let your fear keep you waiting- the world is your oyster.  <3 

Love from Cali,

M.

And now you're set adrift, with a diploma for a sail and lots of nerve for oars.  

~anonymous